disdain.

Disarray. Coffee cups with the milk souring slowly.
Ashtrays with grey soot pouring out.
The faint scent of smoke, sex and menthol pollute the air.
The light is bright and foreign.
A knock at the door is goes on ignored, and
the windows are drawn shut.
The notebook is abandoned the pen, out of ink.
There is nothing left to give.

25

Tomorrow I turn 25..... I have nothing to show for it. I've worked a string of mindless retails jobs with no promotions or recognition for my hard work in any of these positions. I have a college degree that is 100% useless. I have a blog, that no one has ever read... and I am constantly being passed over by my own "best friends" so they can spend time snuggling up with their boyfriends or whatnot. last night to kick off my birthday weekend I went to starbucks by myself woo. how did I even get here? if 15 yr old me could see me now she would kill me, I had so many plans and aspirations and not a single one of them has worked out. it's interesting to think that when I was 15 and they used to ask where do you see yourself in ten years no one ever answers stuck in hourly retail with no real future, everyone back then had dreams.

Lesson Learned

What college really taught me;

Freshmen Year :
How to make a pulley out of bed sheets to haul gym bags of beer up to my third floor dorm room
How to get away with breaking your dorms curfew by propping open the fire door in the basement
How to change the birthdate on a NY license
How to cook anything in a microwave
How to write an A paper with out reading the book, or for that matter even buying it.

Sophmore Year:
Befriend the security guards so that when your blond bimbo neighbors call them to report you you get off scott free
How to unicycle... yes you read that correctly
How to live with a person for four months and not speak a word to them
How to live in a bedroom with two guys for three nights while fighting with your room mate
How to break a building door so that you don't need to keys to go hang out with the boys
How to wake a friend at 3 in the morning so that you can get Mcdonalds breakfast

Junior Year
How to move home and transfer schools, losing all the work you did the past two years and start back at square one.
How to grow a pair, audition for a musical and make some life long friends that are just as insane as you
How to see a broadway show 25 times
How to get over your social beliefs and expand your horizons

Senior Year
How to be the president of a dying club and revive it and breath new life into it
How to deal with trust and how to make people earn your trust
How to have your heart broken by some one that never should have had it in the first place

While I have learned some priceless lessons over the past few years not a single one of these lessons was how to get a job, how to work in an office, how to use quick books or excel, how to write a resume or cover letter. I wouldn't erase any of the lessons now stored in my mind, but I sure would love to learn some new ones that actually can be applied to my current situation.


-H

Don't give me that look

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, " Where did I make the mistake?" well I seem to be asking this question everyday. And I know that you(if you exist) are probably reading this and thinking wow this girl is a drama queen always whining and bitching about something or other but you know what I really don't think recently that that's been the case. I mean in all honesty I went to school I got the grades I did the extra curricular's I had the part time job and the internship and none of it has paid off. I know that I have only graduated four months ago, and I'm not saying I expected to be making a competitive salary and full benefits right now but for the 7.25 an hour I do get, somethings got to give. Maybe it's my fault for majoring in a liberal arts isubject, but I was never good at math or science and business and social sciences just seem like such dreary areas of study, so I went with one of the few things in the world that I was good at (or so I thought) and that also made me happy. too bad no one ever told me that happiness doesn't amount to shit.
everyday I feel like I'm suffocating in my own life, I can't even think back upon my day without tearing up it's not so much that I hate my job because in this economy I am happy that I at least have something, but the way this country treats each other, its no wonder that the rest of the world hates us. Common sense is no longer common, and people are just out right disgusting. If you are returning a hair brush and I ask if it was used just be honest and say yes, you're still getting your money back but don't lie so that I have to open it and find a lovely surprise of your greasy hair and dandruff residue. If your kid happens to somehow cover a bottle of mouth wash in its spit just say something to me, I do not get paid enough for my hands to be coated in a fine layer of gerber's left overs. It's just amazing that we are one of the worlds powerhouse nations and yet we do such immature and disgusting things.

oh, and if one more person that I knew in high school give me the pity stare while I ring up their vitamins, I'm going to charge you twice for your 42$ bottle of shampoo. :-)


-H

You uneducated bitch

I haven't written here in a while, and when I started this blog I semi promised myself that it would strictly be a portfolio for my writing, but you know what, No one reads this, no one cares, and no one wants to see a recent graduates work so now this blog is a free for all of whatever pops into my brain.

Monday towards the end of your average mind numbing eight hour shift in retail hell a customer called me an uneducated bitch. I would like to say that I was shocked or angry or even offended, but I wasn't this is just the treatment I receive as an hourly paid slave to the masses of consumers. Why you might ask did she call me this? Upon receiving her change she said, "Thank you," so I replied with, "Have a nice day," she then stared at me and angrily said, "You're welcome," so again I responded, "Have a nice day," then she nastily informed me that when some one says Thank you I am to say you're welcome, not have a nice day. Then the woman turned to exit while calling me an uneducated bitch. I have just finished earning my BA in English Writing, guess that makes me uneducated.
Welcome to a recession people, a four year college degree and an eight month internship qualifies you for exactly the position I have, working as a cashier at a discount beauty supply store. I love when people ask me why I don't get a real job, because the truth is that I would like nothing more in the world than to wake up at 6 or 7 in the morning and work in an office till about 5pm then come home and eat dinner at a normal time watch some television wake up and do it all again the next day while enjoying my weekends off. However no one wants a recent college graduate! Entry level positions now require 3 to 5 years of professional experience and finding a paid internship is like finding the holy grail. You think I enjoy working till ten pm eating a cold dinner alone at eleven and working every saturday and sunday, not even close.
So I guess this little rant was just what the doctor ordered.... oh wait I wouldn't know I don't have health insurance, and when I go to a doctor or a hospital the sue me! but either way the lesson learned here should be that no longer are jobs being thrown at college graduates feet and when you see a twenty something working at a crap retail job please don't assume that we are there because college was too hard or we're dummies who couldn't even get accepted, some of us would give anything to switch places with the lady in the business suit yelling at us over her 20% off coupon, but no one out there wants to give us a chance at those "grown up jobs".


-H

Fiction

The buildings were coming upon me at an alarming rate, and then I realized I had been sprinting. I stopped to catch my breath and take a look around, this was a part of town I’d never seen before. The buildings were cruel and hundreds of stories high, they stood like soldiers guarding there precious insides. I continued on slower than before taking in this place. Tall unmoving buildings, murky green subway entries that seemed to lead travelers straight to the earth’s hot smelly core, and the whimsical street lights that reminded me of Christmas despite the visible waves of heat that had been dancing up off the pavement. I passed them all as I headed west, straight to the river.
Christmas is a funny thing to think of as I stood there impatiently waiting for the light to turn and permit my crossing. I looked down and saw a flock of pigeons feasting upon the lifeless corpse of a pretzel…. Or maybe it was a hot dog who knew by this point it was it was too far gone to be recognized. I laughed to myself, how ironic I can’t identify this, and they’ll never be able to identify her. Oops, I guess I laughed aloud judging by the look of the Haitian nanny that stood next to me pushing some rich Wall Street types’ precious little spawn in a stroller that probably coasted more than I had earned last year.
Finally I made it to my destination, a deserted bench by the river, it’s next to a garbage can and the landscapers never seem to trim the grass so it’s not really a popular place to hangout, which is why it’s my favorite place in the city these days. I grabbed my cell phone and for a moment just held it in my hand, I’ve been so used to having a cell phone for so many years, would it be weird not to have one anymore, I don’t think inmates are allowed to update their twitter via blackberry these days even if Lindsay Lohan had. I dial his number and put my phone to my cheek, he answers on the first ring, probably because there is no reason for me to call him anymore. I told him that I was sorry and that I was turning myself in, he didn’t seem to know what I was talking about, figuring he was still at the office and hadn’t yet returned home I hung up and sat in silence for a few moments how do you tell your ex boyfriend that you just accidentally killed his fiancé.
I hadn’t meant to kill her of course; I just wanted to see if I had left my earrings back at the apartment that I had once shared with him. I took the one train down to what was once my usual stop walked the familiar four blocks and then up the stairs, I knew he was too stupid to ever think to have changed the locks so I got in no problem. I started looking through what were once my drawers checking the back corners and underneath the large oak piece, nothing. I turned to leave and saw her standing there, holding a knife, we began to struggle and finally though she was holding it, I somehow was controlling the knife making deep slashes across her milking white pore less face. She was crying out screaming to get out of her house, I tried to say, “I want to, I was just looking for my earrings,” but the struggle was too intense she couldn’t hear me over our grunting and gasping. Finally I had ripped the knife from her hands I wasn’t a killer I wasn’t even mad, I had just come to search for my earrings how has things escalated so much. She laid on the couch face ripped apart making chocking little noises that I assumed was crying since I could no longer see where her eyes actually were. I started to make my way to the door still holding the knife unconsciously when she lunged at me from behind startling me, and impaling her with an eight inch bread knife.

63.

Sometime I really think I am my own worst enemy. I want something so badly, it's dangling on a string in front of me, all I have to do is take a chance reach out and grab it and yet I pull my hand back and just sit waiting and watching knowing deep down that if I don't reach out soon some one else will come along and snatch it away. my second guessing and timidness are driving me nuts but I cant help but wonder maybe my subconscious isn't letting me reach because it knows I will be burned? Instead of trying I will just sit here and write about it, on a blog that no one reads...

h.